I have been dealing with depression for a while now.  The peaks and valleys I travel through suck to say the least.  I lost my wonderful husband 8 years ago at the age of 39, we have 5 kids.  The two youngest ones were 10 and 7 at the time, and I can’t help but wonder how different would they be today if he were still here.  I still struggle with my emotions on a daily basis, trying to be happy when all I want to do is cry.  And at times it seems all I do is cry.

So how am I suppose to carry on?  At first I took my situation by the reins went back to school and earned my bachelor’s degree.  Now I’m in debt with student loans.  Got a great job, which I lost when the office closed.  Moved 900 miles away to be near family, which I think may be the best thing I have done. 

 I want my life back!!  I want my husband back!!  My kids and I miss him very much.  His warm smile, infectious laugh, and his loving, giving ways.  He used to bring or send me flowers every week for no reason at all but to say he loves me.  When I was cooking he would grab me and we’d dance in the kitchen as he sang “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton.  His sense of humor was bar none, he could make anyone laugh at any time.  At the grocery store, if I was not in a happy mood he would lay me on the floor and kiss and tickle me until I laughed.  And he did the same with the kids.

 Is it wrong for me to feel that I will never find some one like him again?  When I  am out and about I see couples, young and old and miss him even more.  I am jealous that couples my age have been together so long that they have become one, but at the same time I am happy for them.  I should be getting ready to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, instead I am remembering the anniversary of his death.  The kids and I celebrate his birthday by going out to eat and telling stories of him, and we laugh until we cry.

I thought with time things would get better not worse.  I love my husband very much, and miss him every second of every day.  I try to keep busy, but at the end of the day I go to bed alone.  Everyone tells me not to think about it, do y’all know how freaking hard that is?  Even after 8 years it still feels like yesterday that I lost him.  At the same time I am finding it hard to remember the sound of his voice and laugh then I feel so guilty.

Ok, I got that off my chest.