I realized something today, I am not just grieving the loss of my husband but the life I had.  I miss raising kids, going to games watching them play.  With moving I miss my boys, my friends the place where I grew up.  Even grieving my youth, I have to laugh at that one.  I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who it is looking back at me.  Although people tell me that I don’t look my age I have to shrug a “yea right” attitude.  I am the one noticing the wrinkles and sags not only on my face but my neck and the rest of me as well.  My mid section which was once tone is now a tire, spare tire.  I don’t like it at all.

Now I am feeling that life is passing me  like a fright train.  Sure I keep busy, concerts, family, studying.  I do have goals set for myself and at times I feel condemned, like a black luminous cloud over my head, in my head.  What is this fog in my head, my mind?  It makes me nuts.  I try not to let it get to me. So now I am going to do something about it.  I am not working and lost my insurance along with the job, thanks to resizing, so medical treatment for depression is not an option, no,  I have to do this on my own.  My son tells me to exercise, change my diet it will make me feel better.  I use to do that, work out before work and walk/run 2 miles every day after work and I did feel great, I had even quit smoking.  This is my plan of action and I am going to record my progress here on my blog.

First is my diet, no fast food, soft drinks or fried foods.  Which I have already began and it’s not so bad.  Experts have said if you keep track of what you eat it will help you be cognizant of what we put into our body.  I do want to make this change not only for my own piece of mind and body, but for my kids.  I want to be healthy for them and for my future grandkids.

I will also keep record of my physical activity from walking the dogs to exercising with the help of son #2 the personal trainer.  Although he lives in LA and I in NC, he will encourage me and tell me what I should be working on and at what pace.  My other kids are on board with me as well, physical activity has always been a part of our lives.  Now I don’t have an excuse, I can hike, bike ride, walk the neighborhood and parks.  I am even going to take my Italian Greyhound to the dog park so we both can get out and move.  I would like to get me and the two younger ones mountain bikes and a canoe or kayak.

This is my mission and I will not falter.  If you have the same quest and would like support please let me know.

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