PTSD- Not Me? Monday, Nov 2 2009 

OK, so I have been a bit depressed lately, I have a lot going on.  So I went to for an evaluation, for what I thought was to get meds to treat the depression.  I have never been to counseling before, the docs have given antidepressants in the past.  Now I am seeing a counselor for Post Traumatic Stress, I thought they were the crazy ones for this diagnosis.  After time to soak it in and do a little research about PTSD, I guess they are right.  After all I have been through some really tough patches in life, I have always chalked it up to this is life just deal with it.

I can’t get myself dressed some days, what’s the point?  I don’t have a job, and of all the resumes I have sent out I have heard nothing in return.  I feel bad that I don’t have the money to treat my kids on the weekends, I wanted to take son #4 to a Haunted House for Halloween and couldn’t.  So I sat at home crying.  He didn’t seem to mind, he played his video games and chatted with friends. 

I have got to get myself together, but how??  Right now I am on my way to the counselor……… Well, the Saint’s play tonight and we are going to watch it at a movie theater.  Yes, watching the Saint’s on the big screen!!  That’s one thing to bring me up a bit.

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Good Grief: Day 5 Friday, Oct 16 2009 

Well the trip to Virginia was great, the scenery was beautiful.  We stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast and I was good, got a parfait.  But lunch was Taco Bell……ugh.   I keep walking,  Taking the dogs for 3-4 30 minute walks every day, I just can’t get myself to exercise.  I want to, just don’t feel like it.  What do I need to do to motivate myself?  I guess I don’t want it bad enough or else I would be doing it, right? 

Maybe I just need to get off my butt and quit being a lazy ass.  It is so hard to do that when my brain feels like a rock, just can’t get the thoughts and motivation to match up.  Depression just sucks the life out of a person.  Ok, enough of the pity pary, time to get a move on.

Good Gried: Day 1 Monday, Oct 12 2009 

I got up at 5:45 and took the dogs for a 30 minute walk, they enjoyed it a bunch.  Had my coffee and now waiting for my sister to pick me up for our drive to Virginia, that’s a story for anther day.  So my exercise will be limited today due to the 5 hour drive, but I will eat sensibly and replace my usual diet Dr. Pepper for water.

Emotionally, I hope this gives us time to talk we both need that.  My son left a wonderful response to my previous blog,  I have the greatest kids in the world, so supportive and loving.  Son #2 tells me when I can’t exercise to use my own body to work with itself.  Tighten muscles hold for 15 seconds and let it loose then repeat, I do this mostly with my abs and it works.  I can feel my abdominal muscles get sore, therefore I know they are getting a little work out.

Til tomorrow people

Good Grief Monday, Oct 12 2009 

I realized something today, I am not just grieving the loss of my husband but the life I had.  I miss raising kids, going to games watching them play.  With moving I miss my boys, my friends the place where I grew up.  Even grieving my youth, I have to laugh at that one.  I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who it is looking back at me.  Although people tell me that I don’t look my age I have to shrug a “yea right” attitude.  I am the one noticing the wrinkles and sags not only on my face but my neck and the rest of me as well.  My mid section which was once tone is now a tire, spare tire.  I don’t like it at all.

Now I am feeling that life is passing me  like a fright train.  Sure I keep busy, concerts, family, studying.  I do have goals set for myself and at times I feel condemned, like a black luminous cloud over my head, in my head.  What is this fog in my head, my mind?  It makes me nuts.  I try not to let it get to me. So now I am going to do something about it.  I am not working and lost my insurance along with the job, thanks to resizing, so medical treatment for depression is not an option, no,  I have to do this on my own.  My son tells me to exercise, change my diet it will make me feel better.  I use to do that, work out before work and walk/run 2 miles every day after work and I did feel great, I had even quit smoking.  This is my plan of action and I am going to record my progress here on my blog.

First is my diet, no fast food, soft drinks or fried foods.  Which I have already began and it’s not so bad.  Experts have said if you keep track of what you eat it will help you be cognizant of what we put into our body.  I do want to make this change not only for my own piece of mind and body, but for my kids.  I want to be healthy for them and for my future grandkids.

I will also keep record of my physical activity from walking the dogs to exercising with the help of son #2 the personal trainer.  Although he lives in LA and I in NC, he will encourage me and tell me what I should be working on and at what pace.  My other kids are on board with me as well, physical activity has always been a part of our lives.  Now I don’t have an excuse, I can hike, bike ride, walk the neighborhood and parks.  I am even going to take my Italian Greyhound to the dog park so we both can get out and move.  I would like to get me and the two younger ones mountain bikes and a canoe or kayak.

This is my mission and I will not falter.  If you have the same quest and would like support please let me know.

Cloud Over My Head Tuesday, Oct 6 2009 

I have been dealing with depression for a while now.  The peaks and valleys I travel through suck to say the least.  I lost my wonderful husband 8 years ago at the age of 39, we have 5 kids.  The two youngest ones were 10 and 7 at the time, and I can’t help but wonder how different would they be today if he were still here.  I still struggle with my emotions on a daily basis, trying to be happy when all I want to do is cry.  And at times it seems all I do is cry.

So how am I suppose to carry on?  At first I took my situation by the reins went back to school and earned my bachelor’s degree.  Now I’m in debt with student loans.  Got a great job, which I lost when the office closed.  Moved 900 miles away to be near family, which I think may be the best thing I have done. 

 I want my life back!!  I want my husband back!!  My kids and I miss him very much.  His warm smile, infectious laugh, and his loving, giving ways.  He used to bring or send me flowers every week for no reason at all but to say he loves me.  When I was cooking he would grab me and we’d dance in the kitchen as he sang “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton.  His sense of humor was bar none, he could make anyone laugh at any time.  At the grocery store, if I was not in a happy mood he would lay me on the floor and kiss and tickle me until I laughed.  And he did the same with the kids.

 Is it wrong for me to feel that I will never find some one like him again?  When I  am out and about I see couples, young and old and miss him even more.  I am jealous that couples my age have been together so long that they have become one, but at the same time I am happy for them.  I should be getting ready to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, instead I am remembering the anniversary of his death.  The kids and I celebrate his birthday by going out to eat and telling stories of him, and we laugh until we cry.

I thought with time things would get better not worse.  I love my husband very much, and miss him every second of every day.  I try to keep busy, but at the end of the day I go to bed alone.  Everyone tells me not to think about it, do y’all know how freaking hard that is?  Even after 8 years it still feels like yesterday that I lost him.  At the same time I am finding it hard to remember the sound of his voice and laugh then I feel so guilty.

Ok, I got that off my chest.

Empty Nest Is OK Saturday, Sep 19 2009 

All parents dread the inevitable time when their kids leave home.  My philosophy is give them wings to fly.  I have 5 kids ages 15-28, and 3 are on their own living in 2 other states.  I do miss the chaotic life we had when they were younger.  Sports was a major part of life for our family, I didn’t think I would miss it as much as I do.  To have 5 kids playing at the same time was a bit deranged, but fun.  My kids are all very different individuals which keeps things interesting.  So I am going to have them write on this blog as well to share their life perspectives on what they know.

Son #1 has been in the Navy for 5 years and his take on life both in and out of the service is hysterical yet informative.  Son #2 is a person trainer, he helps me and the other kids to exercise and eat right.  Both of them love LSU as much if not more than I do, and we will have SEC football discussions on this blog as I have already mentioned.  Son #3 does his own thing in life and has  a lot to say about almost everything.  Princess is the only girl, being raised with 4 brothers made her tough.  She is entering college, loves sports naturally, and is into movies, music and true crime.  Son#4 the intellect, his views both surprise and disturb me at times.  He is talented in music and art, he can play the drums and guitar by ear.  #4 is also a gamer one of  the things that disturbs me but what the hell. 

My kids have been raised to voice their opinions and learn and experience new things life has to offer, at the same time understand that every one has a different attitude.  I know y’all will enjoy their rants and ideas.

Thanks

C

NEW IN TOWN Thursday, Sep 17 2009 

September 17

New In Town

Ok, so I just moved to a new state with my two youngest kids ages 18 and 14.  Being from Louisiana, the question I am always asked is ” is it a big culture shock?”. Yes and no – I can’t get some of the foods I use to have such as Blue Plate mayo, Bunny Bread and CDM coffee (with chicory).   I did bring a small supply with me, but I am now out and need to get some friends from home to send it.  I have to say the people of North Carolina have been peachy, very  nice and willing to help with all my silly questions.  Such as: I need to water my lawn? Mother Nature has always taken care of that task for me.  When does the garbage need to be put out?  For the first 2-3 weeks it was a different day, I was confused, putting out the garbage and it not getting picked up and all. 

 

Football would have to be the biggest adjustment.  No more LSU??  I don’t think so, once a Tiger fan always a Tiger fan.  Nothing against the college teams in NC or the ACC, but you can’t beat SEC football.  But this is a subject for another day.

 
Since we have been here we have been to 3 concerts at Walnut Creek, a wonderful venue and our first time in an amphitheater.  The NC Agjam,  and we have been camping, another first but definitely not our last.  Learned that I need an air mattress, I guess I am getting old.  And the Watermelon Festival, held in a quaint little town of Winterville.  I must say, being from Louisiana which is known for festivals, my expectations were a bit high.  I was surprised to find no watermelon daiquiri, no watermelon wine, not even a real watermelon!!  It was a nice little festival and I need to not compare things to what I am used to.  If you don’t know about the Louisiana festivals:  Jazz and Heritage Fest, French  Quarter Fest, Pontchatoula Strawberry Fest and Essence Fest to name a few, all are wonderfully produced.  Music, food, vendors, and of course alcohol.  Can’t do anything in the New Orleans area without alcohol.  Here is a link to so you can see the oodles of events in and around New Orleans  www.nola.com/festivals.
 
Which brings me to another point, no “go cups”  what’s that about???  I was leaving an outdoor mall which was have a summer concert and I had a beer in my hand, a police officer stopped me and told me I had to dispose of the beer, that I couldn’t walk out with it.  My response?   “for true?”, a typical response for hearing something we didn’t want to hear.  He looked at me funny but serious, so I did what any good person would do, I downed the rest of my beer and tossed the empty can, no alcohol abuse in my book. 
 
Yes, I like my new surroundings, so much to do.  The ocean (with real waves) to the east and to the west mountains, this is very different.  I can’t wait for the leaves to change, my kids have never laid eyes on the colors of fall.  In Louisiana it goes from green to brown……that’s it.  So if any one has any info for us in our new home please let me know.  And if you are a transplant too, let me know how you have adjusted to your new home as well.
 
Thank you for reading, and as I see it life is par for the course.
C